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You Teach People How to Treat You

This is a mantra I repeat over and over to most people around me including my coworkers and Mommy.  It’s a boundary I set up a long time ago and have stuck by it because when I have let things slide then I feel it… deeply and I don’t feel better until I have corrected it.

Being up front from the beginning is the easiest, retraining is a whole other venture… it’s all about consistency, just like with children and animals.  I’m not saying that you need to deal with adults the same way you would deal with children and animals but you need to keep it in mind when dealing with most people.  My biggest pet peeve is when someone complains about being “used” or “walked on” and they have blatantly allowed it to happen.

Recently, I witnessed just such an interaction.  I was waiting in an office building and a woman walked into another woman’s office and started in on some topic that she needed help with.  The first woman, I’ll call her Dani, was very busy working on a project so when the second woman (I’ll call her Shirley) walked in there was already tension.  Shirley stopped talking mid-sentence once she assessed the situation and said “oh, I’m sorry, I see you’re busy would you like me to come back another time?”.

To this Dani replied, “No, that’s okay.”

During this entire ten minute conversation Shirley stopped a total of three times to ask if it would be better to just set up an appointment for a later time and each time Dani said no.  After Shirley left Dani went into a tirade spouting that she couldn’t believe “the nerve of some people” and “couldn’t she see I was busy?”. 

I know Dani pretty well so I first looked at her quizzically and then asked “Did you hear her give you an out… three times?”  I watched as she sighed deeply and I whispered “you teach people how to treat you”.

Then I open my email this morning and this article is at the top so I decided to share it with you.

 

Happy Wednesday!

*~*~*~*~*

There I was in Web Guy’s office.

He was overwhelmed and angry. He complained that clients were calling on weekends and late at night. No one was honoring his schedule.

I told him what I learned many years ago from one of my coaches. It’s a fundamental truth that has served me (and my clients) immensely. It is this:

You teach people how to treat you.

His eyes lit up. He couldn’t believe it was that simple. And the more we talked, the more excited he got. (I refrained from calling him Grasshopper.)

So, what does it mean?

It means that it’s up to you to allow or not allow certain treatment. It also means that you have to get clear about how you want to be treated. It means that you have to take responsibility for writing your own Owner’s Manual, and hold yourself accountable for living by it.

In other words? Stop blaming other people for not knowing your rules! (Especially if you never enforce them yourself!)

Here are five steps for teaching people how to treat you.

1 - Start by Knowing What You Want (and What You Don’t Want).

Pick an area of your life where you want to be treated differently. Describe how you’d like to be treated. Or, write about what you don’t want.

You’ll probably have some obvious beginning points. For instance, if you’re tired of people wasting your time with latest office drama, you might decide, “I don’t allow people to gossip in my presence.”

Simple? Yes. But it’s amazing how many of us allow these kinds of interactions without ever making necessary changes.

2 - Learn from your Current Situation.

Ask yourself how you’ve allowed certain behaviors from others.

Choose one situation where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself how you allowed this to happen. You’ll be amazed to see that often you choose to ignore your own needs or desires.

This process can show you where you get triggered. For instance, you might be tempted to say, “Well, I don’t have a choice! He makes me feel guilty if I don’t do it his way!”

Bingo! There’s your trigger. Guilt!

Acknowledge that you allowed the situation so that you could avoid feeling guilty. Then, recognize that guilt is a trigger that will tempt you to ignore your own Owner’s Manual. This is a valuable awareness.

3 - Honor It and Practice It.

Think process. Not event.

It’s not a one-time thing. When you’ve taught people how to treat you one way, it can take some time to change that pattern.

One reason people struggle with this is that they wait until they’re triggered before they attempt to set boundaries. Try not to communicate when you’re in a highly charged emotional state. At that point, you’re not teaching people how to treat you. You’re probably blaming them and making yourself the victim.

Instead, wait until you get calm, then start with Step #2. Take the necessary course of action to right the situation.

4 - Teach YOU How to Treat You When That’s the Only Choice.

Not everyone is going to honor your requests or your clarity. Sometimes it’ll have to be YOU who treats you well.

You must include yourself in your equation. If you’ve told your clients that you don’t take business calls on weekends, then don’t make business calls on weekends.

5 - Learn from People who are Clear and Successful.

I’ll be the first to admit it. This article won’t be popular among your co-workers and friends. That’s because we’re taught to “be nice” more than we are taught to “be big.”

So, you must find people who can model this behavior for you, who encourage you to succeed, and who offer a different perspective on happiness than just “be nice.” I always surround myself with people who hold me accountable to my intentions and goals. They don’t let me make excuses or blame people. This is imperative. (I write these articles because I know the temptations, trust me! :-) )

That being said, my teleseminar next week is going to provide you with SO much coaching in this area! I’ll be revealing so many of my best-kept secrets for getting absolutely clear and creating POWERFUL LASTING RESULTS in your life! (No matter how much might be blocking your path right now.)

We’ve already got over 1500 people registered! Click here to reserve your space!

 

Christine Kane is the Mentor to Women Who are Changing the World. She helps women uplevel their lives, their businesses and their success. Her weekly LiveCreative eZine goes out to over 12,000 subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can sign up for a F.R.E.E. subscription at http://christinekane.com.

How to Be an Extreme Encourager

This is something I thought needed to be shared...

*~*~*~*

Many years ago, when I first shared my dream of being a songwriter with one of my best friends, she knitted her brows and said, “Huh?”

I can’t say I was deflated by all of the warnings that followed. After all, I had always been surrounded by this kind of “practical thinking.” In fact, I probably shared my dream with her just so she’d talk me out of it.

During this fumbling stumbling time in my life, I met a man who became an unlikely best friend and mentor. He was a brilliant jazz musician, and he could do pretty much anything on the computer.

One night, after he performed at a local jazz club, we were walking towards my car. I told him my dream of being a songwriter. Without even blinking, he said, “Honey (he always called me Honey), you’d be a fabulous songwriter. That’s perfect!” And he meant it.

At that moment, I felt like I was falling into a soft clean bed. I had never experienced such direct and truthful encouragement without a single “practical” warning attached to it. This friend set me free by offering one simple thing:

Encouragement.

Fast forward many years and successes and failures later. I’m surrounded by encouragers. I’m sure there are doubters around. But they don’t register anymore.

Also, I have become an extreme encourager myself.

I’ve observed extreme encouragers. I’ve also recognized some traits that they all have in common. Here they are:

• An extreme encourager lives by example

The best encouragers are the ones who live it. Whether they’re just getting started, or they’re veteran risk-taking creativity-living wild-women – the encouragers are the ones who want a bigger life for themselves and are willing to “go there.” This is why my jazz musician friend could simply offer encouragement when my other friend could not.

• An extreme encourager actively listens

Encouragers know that encouragement doesn’t mean you just tell people to “buck up” or “get over it.” They know how to listen. This means looking at the speaker, listening to her, setting agendas and judgments aside, and honoring the speaker as a wise soul.

• An extreme encourager avoids clichés

Avoiding clichés is actually a result of actively listening to someone. Being an extreme encourager doesn’t mean that you blindly tell people “You can do it!” or “Let go of fear!” It’s deeper than that. It’s seeing the truth of the other person, especially when they cannot.

• An extreme encourager acknowledges the hooglie-booglies, but doesn’t focus on them

We all have the hooglie-booglies. These are the voices that tell us we can’t, or we shouldn’t, or we’ll fail, or we’ll look stupid. An encourager doesn’t focus on those voices because she knows they’re trying to hook her. An encourager simply acknowledges that the voices are there and that you can’t make them go away by arguing with them. An encourager knows that those voices aren’t the truth. They only SEEM like the truth.

• An extreme encourager remembers that no one knows what’s best for anyone else

An encourager knows that we are all wise and that sometimes we make choices that might not seem so wise. An extreme encourager calls out our deepest desires and then helps us see the thoughts and fears that hold us back.

• An extreme encourager accepts miracles, grace and mystery as the deeper truth

Extreme encouragers are often mystics of sorts. They know that the so-called “woo-woo” stuff is more real than the so-called “logical” stuff. They celebrate the divine as a simple fact of everyday existence and don’t get caught up in the “prove it” mindset.

• An extreme encourager knows that you can develop the needed character traits as you go

In other words, she knows you’re ready now, even if you’re not perfect yet! I shudder when I read advice that discourages people from trying something because of character traits “required” in advance. “You shouldn’t blog if you’re not disciplined.” “If you don’t have focus, you can’t be a writer.” Most of the successful people I know developed these traits as they went. I certainly did. Encouragers understand the huge potential for growth in each human, especially when someone begins to follow her heart.

———————-

I’m grateful to the encouragers! And I’m grateful to be able to pass it on to others – either my friends, or to women in my retreats or my coaching clients!

Who has given you the encouragement you needed in your life? And do you pass it on now?

---

 

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Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her ‘LiveCreative’ weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

The Stars Align for Cheyenne Jackson

Cheyenne Jackson is a local boy (well local for where I live now) who has not one, not two, but three major career building moves going on at once.  Cheyenne is currently starring in Broadway’s “Finian’s Rainbow” that opened to rave reviews from audiences and critics alike, he has a new CD with Michael Feinstein entitled “The Power of Two” and he has a recurring role on NBC’s “30 Rock”.

 

Cheyenne was first put on my radar when I begin working with his mom Sherri just days after moving up here.  We chitchatted about all things pop culture: movies, television shows, and music, finding out that we had a lot of favorites in common and that’s when she opened up a website and showed me a photo of an incredibly handsome fellow.  After I remarked how good looking he was and inquired about him she told me that it was her son, Cheyenne.

 

We talked about his career, mostly theater at that time, but that he was getting auditions for movies and his big movie, United 93, had just been released that spring.  What’s funny was that he was actually filming the movie Hysteria then, but it was a big hush-hush at the time and now according to imdb.com it is now completed but without a release date.

 

Since then I have kept up with his career and have enjoyed watching him on some of my favorite shows like The Mentalist, Lipstick Jungle, Life on Mars, Ugly Betty and now 30 Rock.

 

I purchased a couple of MP3 downloads from his new CD and they are magnificent.  Even though I knew that I would enjoy this CD, because I enjoy Cheyenne’s voice and the songs are some of my favorites, I love that with technology I can preview a CD or purchase a song here and there.  So far this is one that I have moved to my wish list and know a few others who would enjoy it as a stocking stuffer.

 

I look forward to seeing what is in the future for Cheyenne.  Many cheers and well wishes to this fabulous man; I know he makes his mama proud.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I wanted to spend some time today just being grateful for all I have in my life and to thank all of you for being a part of it.  Thanks to all of you blog readers and blog friends out there.  I love having an outlet and a way to connect with people that I probably otherwise would never have met.  Thanks to those that leave comments or email me and for those that I have made friends with (and those that I will make friends with!) without you I wouldn’t be doing this.

 

Of course, special thanks go out to my family for simply being my family and to all of my friends, blog readers or not, I love you all. 

 

There is so much for me to be thankful for today and I know that I am very blessed.

 

I hope that all of you have a wonderful, safe and happy Thanksgiving.  Spend some time today to take it all in and in the very least snap some mental photos (if not some real photos) and enjoy those moments no matter how stressed these holiday situations can be.  Just breath and be thankful.

 

Big hugs! 

Getting Ready for Holiday Guests

Although I am no Martha Stewart, parts of me aspire to be.  I enjoy watching her shows and specials, devouring her books and magazines and deciding what bits and pieces I want to incorporate into my life.  It’s because of her that I like to have a basket of slippers at my front door for guests.

 

When I first moved into my own apartment I used to keep things on hand to wipe up snacks in case there were unexpected guests and I always had the fridge stocked with a variety of beverages.  At that time, I didn’t have a guest room so I would make up what I had, usually the sofa or an air mattress, in any case I always made sure that I had lots of extra bedding for their comfort.

One of my coworkers has been excited because her son is coming home for his first real visit from college.  Since he took most of his stuff, including his bed and bedding, she has purchased a bed and recently ordered some new bedding for his room/the new guest room.  I helped her find the bedding and in the process we chatted about what else she should do to make his arrival extra special.  Since Baby Boy was a frequent guest when I lived in California I suggested that she make up a small welcome basket with a few of his favorite treats, put some magazines and books that he would enjoy in the room and possibly put a water carafe and tumbler bedside.

Personally, I have a carafe and tumbler bedside, but for those of you who don’t there is a fabulous tip from the Martha Stewart website.

Bedside Water Glass

You don't need carafes and matching tumblers to provide overnight guests with water. Simply fill a tall, narrow glass, and cover it with a shorter, wider tumbler to keep out dust. Set the glasses on a small tray on the nightstand to catch any drips. Houseguests can flip over the top glass and pour themselves water or sip directly from the taller glass.

While researching this topic I found many articles that wrote about this exact topic and if you’d like to check them out for yourself I’ll link to them below.

 

v     Prepping for Houseguests

v     Getting Ready for Out-of-Town Guests: A Host's Checklist

v     Getting Ready for Overnight Guests from Real Simple

v     Getting Ready For Guests from Home Goods

v     Getting Ready for Guests from HGTV

DIY Holiday Workshop

Two fun friends and very talented women are putting on a crafty Christmas class.  I first found out about it when Wilna (one of the gifted instructors) invited me to join the class via Facebook.  I was first introduced to both of these ladies when they taught one of the online classes I took last Christmas. 

Here are the details:

“It's that time of the year again! Whether we are ready or not, the holiday season is upon us! If you are like us, life is such a rush and we never feel ready for Christmas... BUT this year we have the perfect solution for you: Join Wilna and Kayla Aimee for a Christmas Class with a difference! We will be making easy, crafty, fun and super creative projects for your home, your tree and UNDER the tree too.

For almost a month we will be posting new and beautiful, imaginative, artistic and inspiring projects for you to make every day! Some projects will just be easy and printable and most projects you will be able to make with what you have! Wilna painted a Christmas edition Starbucks album as one of her projects (similar to the one featured on Ali Edwards's blog) and Kayla Aimee will show you how to make the cutest tutu in the world (without even using a sewing machine!) And these are only 2 of more than 25 projects!

Our goal for the class was to truly make it a DIY holiday. We've repurposed sweaters into armwarmers and baby leggings, ornaments into centerpieces and made sure that ease and affordability went hand in hand with high quality homemade gifts. We've even included some easy craft you can do with your kids!

This class will be one of the best gifts to give yourself (and a friend!) to put you in the Merry Christmas frame of mind. It will make you hum Christmas Carols and put snow flakes of excitement in your tummy for the most enchanted of all seasons: Christmas.

Digital templates include: (1) 6x6 mini album, (6) choices of holiday cards, (1) 12 month digital calendar with stickers, plus printable gift tags, labels and more!

Crafty projects include: repurposing items into new (super cute) gifts, creating several simple but stunning home decor pieces, trimming the tree crafty girl style, handmade gifts for everyone from your best friend to your niece, handmade holiday cards, edible goodies and more!

Articles include: 20 Great Gifts Under $20, Easy Christmas Crafts For Kids, Favorite Holiday Traditions, Creative Gift Wrapping and more!

Register today at http://kaylaaimee.com! Class will commence on November 15!

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

Love, KA and Wilna

(Colored text and photos courtesy of Kayla Aimee and Wilna)

Our Friends and Neighbors

Since I don’t get a lot of comments from all my visitors (and you silent lurkers out there) I feel free to just blather on about anything I want.  So here is yet another post about the Farm Chicks Show that happened last weekend.  (Also, since I only had, I believe one silly post last year about the show this will help make up for it.)

 

One thing I love about being a vendor at shows is the great neighbors Mommy and I get to meet.  This show was no exception. 

 

At least three of the booths around us were the same as last year so it’s not as awkward to get to know one another, re-introduce ourselves, help out etc.  Show people are a very helpful bunch. 

 

One of our neighbors was Ankoa Farms, a lovely couple named Stephen and Shelly.  They are bright smiley people who make peanut brittle (from Shelly’s grandmother’s recipe if I remember correctly).  Here’s a pic of Stephen that Mommy snapped, they sell lots of candy and give away tons of samples (love the Espress Oh!).

 

Shelly is always quick with a smile and a laugh… it’s been fun being their neighbor these last two years.

 

Two other neighbors included Surprised by Joy and Nestting.  Last year Mommy and I enjoyed watching the ever changing booth at Surprised by Joy.  Ann and Andy (who run Nestting) are another sweet couple (sorry, no pics of either of these booths).  Ann and her helpers are so nice.  There’s one helper (oh, I wish I could remember her name, I really want to call her Shirley but I just don’t know) who is just a doll and was my first customer last year and sold my first item this year as well (Ann actually purchased it though).  We laugh a lot throughout the show which makes it a lot of fun.

 

Our new neighbor this year was a mother and daughter duo as well…Cindy and Amanda from Happy Endings.  They had a super cute booth and some wonderful vintage items.  Their booth was stripped bare by the end of the show.

 

(Photo borrowed from Cindy’s blog)

 

Mommy made some show friends including these girls

 

who she made cry by telling them stories about her mama… see stories about her mama here, here and here.

 

And here’s the darling Coleen who makes the cutest little fairies and most beautiful pieces of art.

 

While I was looking through photos I did happen to find a picture of Mimi (from the Chaps booth).  Well, it’s actually a photo of her pettiskirt and legs but at least it’s something.

 

This will hopefully wrap up yet another year of Farm Chicks.  There is so much more in the works for Mommy and me and I’ll be sharing that with you in the upcoming days.  Wish us luck!

Reconnecting

I have been on different social networking sites for many years, mostly because Baby Boy has gotten me involved in them.  But I've never really done much socializing.  My MySpace page still looks like it did when I joined and the same thing with Friendster....  I just added a few people here and there but never really connected with them.

I signed up for Facebook awhile ago too and just left it at that as well until a few months ago when more of my friends and classmates from high school and prior started signing up and I slowly started reconnecting with them.  Then in the last few weeks it has just exploded for me.  I've been in touch with people that I've known for almost all of my life, old classmates from elementary school through to college, people I've known from different jobs and even some of my new blogging friends.

I love the ease of the site, how I can write on someone's wall just to say hello, leave inane comments about what I'm doing at that moment, and even chat when a friend and I am both on-line at the same time.

It's been a lot of fun reconnecting and keeping in touch with people that I know.  Now I'm off to change my Facebook status...

Happy Thursday!!